Self-Care for Caregivers

Prior to an airplane's departure, the flight attendants demonstrate safety measures to all passengers. Although it may seem repetitive (especially for a frequent flyer), the content of the presentation is vital to ensuring all individuals are on the same page in cases of emergency. One particular rule that stands out, and that could be seen as a metaphor for our daily lives is the following: "Put on your oxygen mask first, and then help others put theirs on". That is a quote my previous therapist kept reminding me of at each of our sessions.

"Wait a minute Cristine, you're telling me you've seen a shrink before?"

Yes, and there is no problem with that. Let me explain how I got there.

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Two years ago, I was on what the youngins would call "hustle mode". I was working full-time as a neuro ICU nurse whilst teaching nursing students part-time. Essentially, this meant that for six months throughout the year, I would have maybe five days off in a month. I know, that's absolutely batshit crazy. During my first year of doing so, I ran on adrenaline. I could easily function with only 4-5 hours of sleep. I felt invincible ...

When the second year kicked in, something felt off. I started having difficulty concentrating in all fields of my life. It took more time for me to accomplish tasks that used to be second nature to me. I became more sensitive to sounds, and would get easily irritated by beeping IV bumps, monitor alarms and multiple discussions occurring at the same time at the nursing station. I was constantly tired, even after hibernating for 12 hours sometimes. I would go to the gym to decompress. However, shortly after my workouts, it felt like my body's endorphins were defective. Finding joy felt impossible.

As the cold season was approaching, I noticed myself having dark thoughts. "Maybe, it's just S.A.D. - seasonal affective disorder", I told myself. I bought myself a light therapy lamp in hopes that it would change my mood for the better ... it did not. I began asking myself questions that instilled fear and anxiety in me. "Is nursing for me?" (I was already five years into this career). "Do I really like to take care of people?" "Do I have a purpose in my life?"

Back then, I had conflicted feelings. While trying to figure out the answers to my own questions, I discovered that while I was with my patients or with my students, I cherished my interactions with them. In the moment, I gave them 110% of what I was able to give on those days. However, when I found myself alone, I felt useless and drained. I knew I was doing right by others, but something within me was telling me otherwise.

As I continued to "grind" through my shifts, I slowly withdrew myself from others. I focused only on my work, I socialized less with my coworkers, I stayed quiet. For certain people, that is their norm. For me, it was as if the class clown suddenly went mute. Super bizarre.

There came a time where my mind was telling me to quit. I remember constantly telling myself "Life is beautiful, but it isn't for me". I remember when I confided in a loved one for the first time and said these words out loud, it hurt. I had kept my sadness private for two months prior to letting my closest friends and my family know. I did not want to burden anyone, especially during the holiday season. But, once I talked to someone, I felt a slight weight on my shoulders drop. Despite the heaviness of the conversations, it was my first step towards my recovery.

Although my diagnosis was not confirmed, seeing the reactions of my loved ones to my sadness made me realize it was worth seeking professional help. Unfortunately, given our bombarded health care system, I could only get an appointment with my family doctor in a month. I sought out a temporary solution through online therapy (shoutout to BetterHelp.com). Even if it was costly, I told myself that this could be a potential investment to my well-being. The goofy dark-humored side of me said "better broke than dead".

My first session with my assigned therapist was initially awkward. If you're wondering, yes I bawled my eyes out. Why was I paying to share my deepest darkest thoughts to a New Yorker I barely knew? Why couldn't I just talk to my loved ones, and that for free?

Because:

1) Mental health issues are not everyone's forte

2) I did not want to make those around me uncomfortable or sad

3) I could fully express myself to an objective party and get neutral feedback

4) I was able to self-reflect with my weekly assignments and implement coping strategies I wasn't aware existed

Eventually, I got to see my family doctor. Through therapy, I realized that I most likely went through a burnout. Although I was not able to get paid time off with a doctor's note (like I said, a broken health care system), I was prescribed antidepressants. On my vacation week, I spontaneously went on a trip to Florida where I was able to relax, reflect, decompress with a cousin of mine, and some puppies, and also jump out of a plane for fun! (Check out my travel IG account lol: https://www.instagram.com/headintheclouds.19)

My journey to recovering from burnout was slow and had its various ups and downs. It has thought me that there is much more to life than hustling constantly. It has thought me various lessons about myself and has pushed me to find the keys to my happiness. The biggest changes I've done were investing in hobbies (bouldering, blogging, travel vlogging), taking time off (calling in-sick and not taking overtime shifts), and working in new environments that fit my style of nursing.

Overall, I am sharing my experience to let you know that you are not alone. You'd be surprised at how many people will lend an open ear or a shoulder to cry on. As nurses (or anyone working in the healthcare domain), it is easy to get sucked into taking care of others without taking proper care of yourself (your enlarged and stretched bladders will thank you). So, go on your breaks, walk off your units for a few minutes if you need to, vent to someone you trust, say no to overtime or an extra shift if you're depleted, drink and eat appropriately, sleeeeeeeeep and do the things that you love and refuel your energy. A better and healthier you is beneficial for all those around you.

Be well!